2015/06/21

How to find your true desires and wants (in depth)



I read an article of Steve Pavlina, you can read about it here , and he gave me an insightful view of where I was standing, who I were and who I wanted to be.

I made three columns. One for values that I hate, but I strive for. One for things that I do, that is okay. One for values that I desire to integrate in myself.

This is what I came up with.

(Please read Steve Pavlinas blog before you continue to read)

WANTS AND DESIRES: THIS IS WHAT I REALLY TRULY DESIRE, BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

I'm afraid of Thranscendance, but I am wanting it so badly. 

I want to be a reliable and a brilliant person who makes people feel relief. I want to be present and professional.

I desire warmheartedness and warmth. I want wit and grace.

My highest desires are to be acknowledged for something that is accessible with something that will make people feel relief. I want them to feel pleasure.

I need structure and support in my life. I love to have sophisitication and at the same time be both sound and to have useful people around med. I love variety and want to live with variety.

My basics need are organisation and rest. I want to feel ease and liberty. I need loyalty and mystery.

I want to be honored and feel honor for others.
I want to be graceful and elegant.
I want enthusistic people like me and I want to have credibility, which is a big desire. I want the freedom, to invent and to feel euphoria and I desire to be fearless.

THIS IS NOT ME, but I THINK THIS SHOULD BE ME:

I am instead trying hard to be something else, that I am actually hating.
I am trying to show courtesy, decisiveness and discipline, because this is what others want me to be. I try to be content and in control, which I am not. I am trying to dominate and be effective and be an expert, but I hate it, no one shows appreciation.
I am flexible and committed to my responsibilities, which I hate.

I try to be friendly and helpful, but I hate it. I try to humiliate myself and show hospitality which I hate. I hate that I have to find motivation everyday to do these things I hate. I try to obey, but hate it. I try to be a good partner, but hate it. I try to be patient and peaceful, but hate it.

I hate being famous and reputated. I hate pleasure and trying to belong. I hate to care and to be charmful. I hate to try to be cheerful and perfect. I hate Punctuality and richness. I hate being sensible and sexy. I hate simplicity and spontaneity. I hate stillness and strenght (stiff). I hate surprises and teaching people. I hate understanding people and wealth. I hate winning and victory. I hate tranquility.

THIS IS WHO I AM TODAY AND WHAT I STRIVE FOR EVERYDAY AS WELL:

Advancement, affluence, approvement, but they are leading nowhere. I try to be assertive and attractive and beauty. I am bold and certain and strive for challenge. I give charity and show chasisty. I am clean and clever. I feel comfort and tidiness. I strive for purify and realism and these things are normal and easy and quite boring for me.

I and thankful and show teamwork. I am sincere and spiritual. I relax and reflect. Which is quite uninteresting and boring - it is normal and boring.
I am compassionate and competent. I am concentrated and strive for consercation.
I am daring and dreaming. I give and grow. I am guided and show other guidance.
I strive for health and influency. I have it all.
I have marriage and family and responsibility.
I express myself and explore life.
I have faith and show fidelity.
I am focused and fun. I have ethics and encourage other people.
I have a good economy and dignity.

I show insightfulness and inspiration.
I show integrity and intellect.
I show intuition and justice.
I have knowledge and am always learning.
I am making a difference I believe.
I show leadership but don't want it when I don't have loyalty and love.
I am open-minded and perceptive. I am playful. I am instense (people hate it).
I show intimacy and introspection. I am alive and logic. I don't conform (which my husband hates).

So, this is me.

Please give me your advice, how to proceed...



2015/06/13

I demand being seen, heard, respected and ultimately understood and loved



For many years I have believed that if I just did what everybody else wanted me to do, I would be loved more. So I did.

I played the piano. So that my mum would love me.
I kept quiet som that my family wouldn't argue with me.
I worked so that the society would love me.
I accepted to shut my self up for many years, so that my husband would be calm.
I didn't respect my boundaries.

I didn't respect it.

I failed.

And I get down.
And then I got up.

I started to show who I was. How I thought. I started to gain knowledge, so that people would respect me. So that they would listen to me.

But people didn't change. They listened, but they didn't change.

But then, something happened.

I found the key to health. I found it. It was all there all the time.

I wrote about it.
I learned more.

And people started to see that my health improved. So they tried what I had tried, and succeeded.

And then I felt better and I knew I was on the right path.

If it was correct once, then perhaps I would be correct a second one.
So I started to build up som self-trust.

Which helped me to find ways to improve my mental and emotional health.

And then I finally found Teal Swan, who is the last one of many, many, many people and the end of a long-time research of 30 years, and she is now one of my favourite mentors in my life.

I now focus on self-love, self-respect, self-honor, self-soothing, relief,

And I am on the right path. inchallah.

Thir Ramadan will be the best ever, inchallah.

The future is bright. The hope and love is there. I was so afraid before. But I ain't no more.

Thank you Allah, Thank you Ahad, One, As-Samad, the Inseparable.

Alhamdolillah.